The Funeral Home, Kilcullen Road, Naas, Co. Kildare
Telephone: 045 894123
Grief Resources
One reason that we often find grief such a difficult challenge is that we have never learned what to expect. The following facts will help you understand some crucial truths about grief and grieving and how we can work through the process to find healing. 1. Grief is normal Grief is not a disease. It is the normal, human response to a significant loss. People may encourage you to “be strong” or “not to cry”. But how sad it would be if someone we cared about died and we didn’t cry or we carried on as if nothing had happened. I’d like to think that someone will miss me enough to shed a tear after I’m gone. Wouldn’t you? When you lose someone special from your life you are going to grieve. Our grief is saying that we miss the person and that we’re struggling to adjust to a life without that special relationship. Admittedly, saying that grief is NORMAL does not minimise it’s DIFFICULTY. It may be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. But you are not crazy, or weak, or “not handling things”. You are experiencing grief and after a significant loss that is a normal response. 2. The worst kind of grief is YOURS A loss is a very personal matter. Your loss seems like the worst possible thing that could have happened to you. Sometimes people ask if it is more difficult to lose a spouse than to lose a child. Others question if it is worse to lose someone after a long lingering illness or if they die suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack or in an accident. While these circumstances make each loss different, they are not important to you right now. The worst kind of loss is yours. When you lose a significant person from your life, whatever the relationship, it hurts and nothing takes away from your right to feel the loss and grief the absence of that person from your life. 3. The way out of grief is through it Grief is painful. Loss is one of the most difficult human experiences. There is no easy way around it. We may try to avoid the pain. We may attempt to get over it as quickly as possible. But most often it simply does not work that way. Helen Keller said “The only way to get to the other side is to go through the door”. We need to find the courage to go through this experience of grief. Learning this is a major key to recovery. 4. Your grief is intimately connected to the relationship Every relationship holds a special and unique significance to us. To fully interpret our grief response we need to understand what the relationship brought to my life and therefore what has been lost from my life. We may grieve the loss of a parent differently from the loss of a friend. Each made a different contribution to our lives. What we have lost is not the same and so we grieve differently. Two individuals, both experiencing the loss of a spouse, may grieve quite differently because of the differing circumstances (the duration, level of happiness etc) of the relationship. 5. Grief is hard work A grief response is often referred to as “Grief-work”. It requires more energy to work through than most people expect. It takes a toll on us physically and emotionally. This is why we often feel so fatigued after a loss or why we may feel very apathetic towards people and events. The problem is often compounded by people’s expectations of us to be strong or pull ourselves together or to get on with life. 6. Your grief will take longer than most people think How long will grief last? It is finished when it is finished. The first few months may be particularly intense. The first year is difficult: especially the first Christmas or Hanukkah, the first birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, “a year ago today day” and many other times that remind us of our loss. All are difficult days and we need to anticipate them, know they are normal and be compassionate with ourselves. Some writers describe the second year of grief as the lonely year when the realisation of the life without the deceased becomes even more of a reality. Take your time. As John Donne says “He who has no time to mourn, has no time to mend.” Grief always takes longer than people expect. 7. Grief is unpredictable You may experience a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not just those generally associated with grief, like sadness, crying, depression etc. Some of your responses may seem quite uncharacteristic. “This isn’t like me”, you may think. Grief is unpredictable. We cannot present it in a neat predictable package. Just when you think you have it figured out something comes along to surprise us. In an unexpected moment, suddenly, without warning you find yourself missing the person again. In fact the one predictable thing about grief is that it is unpredictable. 8. There may be “Secondary losses” to deal with The death of any individual, difficult as that may be by itself, may also precipitate many other changes in your life. For some it may mean the loss of financial security, a home, or even their independence. For some it may mean the loss of a role: eg the role of being a parent to a child who dies. For others it may be the loss of our hopes and dreams of “living happily ever after” or enjoying retirement together, or having dad walk me down the aisle. There may be many losses - environment, status, alteration of relationships - because of the death. Each one has it’s own impact and each loss needs to be mourned. 9. Grief comes and goes We have said that grief is not a disease. If you have a sore throat, it is painful for a few days, then the pain eases off and gradually disappears. Grief does not work that way, however. Our healing process is different from a sickness model. Sometimes, at first, we do not feel the pain of grief because we are in shock and numb. Often the pain is more intense some months after the event. Even then grief is not unlike a roller coaster. One day we feel pretty good, the next we find ourselves in the depths of despair. Just when we think we are getting over it we may experience another devastating setback. This can be discouraging to those who do not know what is happening. Most have not learned that grief comes and goes and takes much longer than most people expect. We need to realise that this is the way grief works itself out and trust that the process, difficult as it is, is helping us work towards reconciliation. 10. Effective grief work is not done alone Society has unrealistic expectations about mourning and often responds inappropriately. Most people do not understand what is normal in grief, expecting us to get over it quickly and expressing these expectations in a way that seems less than sensitive. Many people mistakenly believe that grief is so personal we want to keep it to ourselves. People mean well, but they are not being helpful. Sometimes when people are using clichés or expressing unrealistic expectations we feel like shutting ourselves away. Often they feel uncomfortable with our grief and so, shortly after the funeral is over, the person or the loss is not mentioned. There sometimes seems to be a conspiracy of silence. People are afraid to say or do the wrong thing so they say and do nothing which is possibly the worst thing. Grieving people need to talk. Not everyone will be willing or even able to respond to you. In fairness, not everyone can. Accept that and try to find a support group or a counsellor who can help. Or talk to someone who has been through a similar experience. I believe in the power of shared experiences, and often others who have been through the deep places can be a real help. Grief is about coping with the loss of a relationship and often in a helping relationship, relief can be found.
I remember, after my wife died, how frustrated I felt when everyone seemed to suggest they had all the answers for my situation. Actually, only WE know what is right for ourselves. Others may help us find our way; ultimately, however, it is OUR grief process and we must work it through in a manner appropriate for us. In this context, may I make a few suggestions? 1) BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF: The grief process is a time to heal. Coming to terms with your loss and adjusting to a new life does not happen overnight. Grief usually takes more time than most of us expect. The poet John Donne wrote: “He who has no time to mourn has no time to mend”. Some people feel the grief process should be predictable. After one week, this, after two months, that. A few people expect you to experience grief in exactly the same way and at the same pace they did. Every experience of grief is unique. Some people take longer than others to work through their emotions. Some experience certain emotions, while other people experience different ones. Also, our particular emotions may differ in intensity. We are unique people and how we will experience the loss of a special relationship will be unique to US. Do not compare yourself to anyone else or allow anyone to compare you to another situation. Be patient with yourself. Try to keep decisions to a minimum. Because your judgment is uncertain now, do not take on new or added responsibilities right away. Delay making decisions about moving or buying and selling property, or getting into another relationship, for as long as possible. Do not rush yourself, for your body, mind and heart require all your energy just to mend. 2) ACCEPT YOUR FEELINGS You cannot choose your feelings. They choose YOU. So feel what you are feeling. We often suppress or deny our feelings. Your emotions may be very raw. You have been wounded and you need to mend. Crying is healthy and can make you feel better. You will experience anger, panic, depression, and many of the responses we have talked about. You may feel other emotions that have not been mentioned. You may think you are falling to pieces at the very time people are telling you to get it together. If you are experiencing any or all of these emotions you are normal. You may be frightened that you are going crazy, but you are not losing your mind. You are going through one of the most difficult and unpleasant experiences of life. It is painful and it hurts. 3) ASK FOR AND ACCEPT HELP Remember all those people who said, “If there’s anything I can do, don’t hesitate to let me know”? Most of them meant it, so do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Because we don’t want to bother anyone else with our problems, much of our pain goes unheeded. But you need not suffer alone. Admittedly, we shouldn’t HAVE to ask. But this is the real world. Sometimes help is not offered because people do not know what we need. And often even WE aren’t sure what we need. Maybe what we need most is someone to listen. Not everyone will be willing. Some people may not be able to handle your tears. Some will want to give you all the answers, rather than just listening. Find someone who cares, someone with whom you feel comfortable talking, and to whom you can trust your vulnerability. With these three attributes, you will undoubtedly have someone who can offer support, encouragement and help. There are self help groups to offer support and friendship. You may also want to talk to a competent grief counsellor, or perhaps someone from the funeral home, your place of worship or a social agency can direct you to such resources. 4) BE GOOD TO YOURSELF You need to look after yourself physically, mentally, socially and spiritually, especially at significant times along the journey. a) Physically: Try to get adequate rest. Even if you cannot sleep, at least learn to relax and rest. Good nutrition is important. Sometimes it can be a discipline to make balanced, nutritious meals, especially if the loss has left us on our own. Resist the temptation to skip meals or eat junk food. Forcing your body to work hard on a relatively few nutrients denies the body needed resources. b) Mentally: Do not beat yourself up emotionally. Don’t torture yourself with regrets and “if only’s”. Reading some books on grief will help you understand what you are going through. Keeping a journal or a diary is a good way to express what you are feeling and thinking. A year from now, when you read your journal again, you will be pleasantly surprised to see how far you have come in your recovery. HAVE SOME FUN. Laughter is good for your health. Research has shown that positive emotions produce positive chemical changes in the body. Humour is an important tool in handling your grief. Often we feel guilty if we have fun. We sometimes have the impression that to laugh or to enjoy ourselves too quickly is somehow dishonouring to the memory of our loved one. This is a myth! Do what you want to do, without worrying what other people may or may not be thinking or expecting you to do. Feel free to be spontaneous, to laugh and have fun. Ask yourself, what you would want your loved one to do if you had died. c) Socially: After being out of your social circle for a time, it may not be easy for you to return. You may find it surprisingly difficult to go back to work, to face friends, or to attend your place of worship. You may think that people are regarding you differently, perhaps feeling sorry for you. If you were married and are now single, others may find it difficult to relate to you now you are on your own. Such adjustments are not easy, either for you or for them. During this transition, attending a support group can help bridge the time between the loss and your return to full social involvement again. However, it is important not to shut yourself away. Social relationships are healthy, and especially so after a loss. d) Spiritually: Bereavement can bring a critical turning point in our faith. Regardless of what faith we subscribe to, we may feel that our belief system has been shaken. Why would God allow this to happen? We may feel angry that God does not seem to answer our prayers, or even to care. We may wonder what His purpose is in all this. Grief may also affect our beliefs about life itself. Life is not fair. Sometimes we have to come to terms with this fact. The death may have meant not only the end of the relationship, but also the death of our hopes and our dreams. In the days ahead, you will need to work through some of these issues. Hopefully you have a spiritual advisor who understands the grieving process, accepts you as a hurting person, listens nonjudgmentally to your grief questions, and assists you to find meaning. Remember, there are no easy answers. Faith enables us to accept what we may not understand. e) Special Days: Certain days can create a heightened sense of loss, and grief attacks are more likely to occur. On such occasions as a birthday or an anniversary, a wedding or a funeral; during seasonal holidays such as Easter, Passover, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah or Christmas; on Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day; or simply the “a year ago today…” days; you may experience a heightened sense of missing the person. Other months of the year have meanings related to family togetherness: the August weekend at the cottage, the annual family reunion. ANYTIME when activities were shared as a couple, or as a family, can be a poignant reminder of happy days gone by. All are special reminders of the absence of someone in your life. Plan to do something meaningful on that special day: something that YOU want to do that will provide you with the support you need. 5) MOVE TOWARD THE PAIN After a funeral, bystanders seek to comfort us by turning us AWAY from pain. Consider the following phrases: Maybe it’s for the best Be thankful they aren’t suffering Well, at least they lived a good long life You should rejoice because they’re in a better place Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise Such sentiments are intended to reduce the impact of the loss and make the situation a little easier to bear. However sincerely intended, they show a lack of understanding of the grief process. People mean well, but in fact they are trying to move us in the wrong direction. The road to recovery leads TOWARD the pain. We must experience the pain of loss - we can’t avoid it, go around it, over it, or under it. Tranquilisers or alcohol don’t end the pain: they merely mask it or provide a temporary escape. Anything that encourages us to avoid or suppress the pain merely delays coming to terms with our loss. Pain is a gift. OK, it is probably one you wish you could exchange for something else, but it warns your body, mind and spirit of danger. Because pain is our teacher, we must never ignore or suppress it. This hurt needs to be tended, this wound needs to be bound. Your pain is telling you that you cared about someone. It shows you that you need to attend to the healing of your broken heart. The best pain is shared pain. Find a friend who is willing to listen, willing to accept that you are in pain, and who will not give you easy answers or try to “fix you”. Someone who simply accepts you as you are. As well, there are support groups available where you can find friends who will share in the fellowship of sufferings. You don’t have to do it alone. 6) HOLD ON TO HOPE Hope brings us comfort. While we must not minimise the pain and difficulty of grief, we need to trust that someday this pain will subside and life will have meaning again. There is a purpose, even though we may not see it right now. As you are given the grace and the strength to carry on, the feelings of grief will become less painful and occur less often. You will begin to pick up the threads of your life. You will look toward the future with hope and even pleasure. Attending a support group can help bring you hope. People whose loss is recent, who see nothing but despair and darkness, can share with others who have experienced the anguish and recovered. When our pain seems so great, we may question whether others know how we feel. To see the possibility of recovery will provide that first glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. 7) GRIEF TAKES TIME More often than not, grief takes much more time than society has been willing to allow. We have often forced unrealistic expectations on people. We expect them to be “over it” in a relatively short time. While it is commonly accepted that the intense reactions of grief will subside within six to twelve months, it is also widely acknowledged that some may take years to resolve their grief. We are all different. Not everyone goes through the identical process, and no one travels at the identical speed. You have begun your journey. Sometimes it may seem that the road is too difficult and too long. You may be wondering if you will make it. The answer is: “You can if you want to.” Although that may not be the answer you expected or wanted, it is realistic. Grief can be a challenging experience, but not more powerful than your ability to work your way through your many emotions. No one else knows how you feel. Do not let anyone try to squeeze you into THEIR expectations of what grief should be like. Express your grief in a way that is right for you. Although the possibility of your recovery may seem distant right now, this healing process can happen for you.
A 50/50 chance, to any gambler, is a pretty good bet. But did you ever stop to think that if you are in a significant relationship, there is a 50/50 chance that you will eventually grieve the loss of your partner? Listen to some of the stories of people who experienced the loss of a spouse. “I would go to work and it would seem that everything was the same as it had always been. But then I would come home. WOW! Just walking into that empty house. Nobody to say hello or ask me how I got on that day. No delicious aroma of supper in the oven. I had to make my own meal … when I felt like it … and most of the time I didn’t … because I was missing what I had lost … not just my wife, but also the person who used to look after me. That was when it hit me hardest”. Michael “The days that followed his death were both utterly full and completely empty … full of activity yet empty of life. Much of the time I sleep walked through the things I had to do, so numb that I was often completely unaware of what was going on around me. I felt like Pinocchio must have felt inside of the whale … cut off from everything that I thought was my life. Then an event or a few spoken words would bring me out of my darkness, only to find myself standing alone and confused on some strange and unfamiliar shore, full of feelings and memories, but also feeling utterly lost”. Robyn “She was not only my wife. She was also the one who would tell me if my socks matched; if my tie was straight, or if my hair was combed. She was able to tell me with one look if I was talking too much or saying something stupid. She was the one who would remember all the birthdays and special occasions, and all I had to do was sign cards. She was good at all the things I am not good at. So she complemented me and made me more whole. God, I miss her so much. I feel like part of me is missing”. Joe A common theme among people who have lost their spouse is the debilitating effects of feeling entirely alone and incomplete. The sense of feeling like you have lost an essential part of yourself is both painful and disconcerting. The world suddenly looks like a different place, often odd and distanced. You are not sure how to cope with life in general, and sometimes you may even wonder if you even want to try. One 68 year old widow said “There is no use trying because you can’t get anywhere anyway. I’m so tired all the time. Everything is too much effort”. Some of the most common feelings and concerns after the loss of a spouse are reflected in the following statements: I felt like I had lost my best friend I am angry I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough for him/her I am afraid I worry about lots of things, especially money Suddenly I feel very old I feel sick all the time I think about my own death more frequently I seem to be going through an identity crisis I feel relieved that his suffering is over, then immediately guilty for feeling that way Behind each of these statements is a feeling. To fully understand the effects that the loss of that spouse has on that survivor, we need to understand the dynamics behind each of these reactions. The feeling communicates what the person is missing and offers an opportunity to examine the deficiency and find ways to cope with these responses in a way which will ultimately facilitate healing. First, it is essential to recognise that healing cannot take place unless you EXPRESS what you are feeling and thinking as a result of your loss. That which cannot be put into words, cannot be put to rest. This is where a support group can play such a vital role for grieving people. The opportunity to talk about the person, their life as well as their death, what you miss about them, your feelings of loneliness, anger and many others, and to review the final days of their life and your relationship. Even when there is some ambivalence about certain aspects of the life shared, it is important to verbalise your anger or your regret about what you lost and never had, or about what could or should have been. There are some very real consequences from not expressing feelings. Studies clearly show that mortality rates are higher among those who do not articulate their grief, and this may also account for the much higher rate of males who die within a year of their spouse, due to the societal norms that make it more difficult for men to express emotions. Some survivors ask “How long should I talk about this? What is normal?” This concern is often motivated by the fact that within a few weeks or months of the death, others seem reluctant to talk about it. After all, their life has returned to normal. But the widow or widower needs to talk about it, because it just feels unbelievable. Life will never be “normal” again (even though a new definition of normality will be established eventually). So some grieving people need to talk for six months, but for others it can be two years or longer. Everyone needs and deserves to follow their own time line. Over the years, I have noted FOUR situations particularly affecting grieving spouses that require an inordinate amount of personal courage: Coping with persistent unpleasant memories Avoiding certain rooms or situations in the house Experiencing hallucinations where the dead spouse is seen or heard Dealing with their spouse’s personal effects (clothes, tools, etc.) Unpleasant memories most often relate to the painful images surrounding the death, and the frustration of not being able to “do” anything to change the outcome. Often through a life-threatening illness, a relationship will peak in one direction or another … a good relationship will tend to get better, a poor relationship will tend to get worse … although there are glorious exceptions. This intensity of the relationship prior to the death magnifies the loss, either by the person missing all the things done and shared through the illness, or by feelings of regret that they did not do enough. Often the inability of the survivor to “let go” of the image of the person in the present is connected to one or other of these factors. If the person is avoiding sleeping in their own bed, or steering clear of certain areas of the house, this behaviour should not be considered unusual or pathological. They are merely protecting themselves from stress. There is a reason for every behaviour and perhaps that location is a too painful reminder of the death, or expresses a concern as to “how will I manage”. Hallucinations (or however we choose to define these experiences) have a wide range of “explanations”. Is it a “visitation of the person’s spirit”, or is it a “product of sensory recall”? I try not to attempt to explain what it may or may not be, but rather to ask how the survivor felt after the experience. And almost always, the person feels reassured, relieved, comforted. If that is the effect, it hardly matters whether it is a dream, a hallucination or a visitation, and to argue that seems to me to miss the point. Dealing with a spouse’s personal effects is something many survivors procrastinate over. Sometimes this has to do with an understandably low physical energy and emotional stamina. Because these are “special things” you may not know who to give them to or what to do with them. That is OK. Do nothing until you are SURE that you feel comfortable with what will happen, even if that takes several months or longer. But when you do decide, ask a friend or family member to assist, or even just to be there and talk to you while you do it. Maybe there will be things that you simply do not want to discard or give away so keep them. Remember, it doesn’t hurt anyone or anything to leave your spouse’s things right where they are. Don’t allow anyone to force you into dealing with things until you are ready, sure and comfortable. So far we have looked at some of the unique challenges surrounding the loss of a spouse. Now we turn to examine how the surviving individual must convert the mourning process into a nurturing process as they seek to rebuild and reorganise a life where they feel like a half of them is missing. I believe that an often overlooked aspect of losing a spouse is the change in identity the survivor experiences. We tend to define ourselves by our relationships, our work, our activities and involvements. Many couples define themselves as just that … a couple. It is not ME, it is WE. Admittedly the degree of change will be determined by the complexity of the relationship. But we really cannot understand what any person has lost until we understand the relationship that was shared and is now lost. What is missing from that relationship is really what the person is grieving. And, obviously, every single relationship is unique, with different dynamics and interaction. So it is reasonable to say that the more dependency the person had on their spouse and the role as husband or wife, the greater the void now that the role is no longer there. In other words, the surviving spouse not only grieves the person who has died, they also grieve the role that is lost. They suddenly find themselves cast into the role of being a “widow” or a “widower”, a role they neither relish nor desire. The question becomes, “Who am I now?” I still feel like the same person, but my roles in the family, community have changed. This, by the way is often why a grieving spouse will find comfort in getting back to work, because at least THERE, their role remains somewhat “constant” in that familiar context. Listen to the comments of one widow: “For almost a year after Jim’s death, I thought of myself as only his husband. I had invested my whole self in him. I had to think, NO, I didn’t give him all I had, I LOANED it to him. Now I needed to reclaim it, take it back, because I needed it for myself.” Of course, reclaiming one’s self is only possible when you know who your “self” IS. Before you are able to reclaim, you have to identify and redefine, “Who am I NOW” in the light of my loss. The W of WE has to become the M of ME … but turning a W to an M means turning everything upside down, and that is exactly what the widowed person may feel. So how can a grieving widow or widower redefine themselves? I think it is inextricably linked to interests and experiences. People who get involved, whether in necessary tasks like looking after children, family or work, or by involvements in the community, groups, activities, find that these things increase self-esteem and energy as they enhance the person’s identity. But let’s take a walk on the wild side. Although it is grossly unfair, the widower is often viewed as more “socially acceptable” than the widow. Because the percentage of widows greatly exceeds that of widowers, males are regarded as “eligible” whereas females are regarded as a “threat”. Accordingly, hostesses more frequently extend social invitations to males than to females, so a widow’s social life may not be as jam-packed. On the other hand, because many men rely on their wives to arrange social activities, after her death it may be difficult to go out without her, to develop social skills, or to put forth the effort that he will need to enjoy the pleasure of other people’s company. Again, social clubs or support groups can provide a good bridge to help the person develop skills, or at least feel more comfortable in such situations. Michael, almost a year after his wife died, said: “I think the difference between a male’s grief and that of a female is a cultural thing. Men are not as social as women. I mean I have friends, but when we sit down for a drink or something we talk about business or sports or activities. Men aren’t really taught to relate their feelings, or emotions, and certainly not their vulnerabilities. So when my wife died, my friends didn’t know what to say, as if they were afraid to ask me how I was feeling.” Physical health is another area that concerns many people. Suppressed emotions can contribute to physiological symptoms, which can have serious consequences. Health doesn’t just happen! It involves exercise, good nutrition, avoiding excessive intake of caffeine, alcohol or drugs. Some survivors live on coffee or snack foods and rarely eat a balanced meal. “The last thing in the world I wanted to do was eat. Everyone kept urging me to “eat something” so if someone was there or watching me, I would eat something to please them. But when I was alone, I ate nothing. In the first month after my husband’s death, I lost 20 pounds. It wasn’t till I started walking daily with my neighbour that my normal appetite returned.” Insomnia is one of the major symptoms resulting from conjugal bereavement. This can be aided by what we do and what we consume in the hours before going to bed. But many males experience other physical symptoms. Again Michael brings an important insight: “I’ve noticed some changes in my health. Particularly in my stomach … pains, indigestion, and other symptoms I won’t mention in polite company. My doctor put me through tests, which I think was a good thing to do, but he indicated that often men experience physiological reactions to the emotional stress of grief. That doesn’t minimise their importance. Maybe it’s easier for us to say “I have a pain in my stomach” than it is to say, “I have an ache in my heart.” But whatever it is, it is important to pay attention to the message.” It may seem strange, but several people have reported to me how changing their physical environment has helped their emotional state. We should all from time to time look around our environment … at home, at work. Many times that can reflect our emotional state. A cluttered, untidy or dismal environment can often reflect a state of mind. But the opposite is also true. Change usually happens from the inside out rather than the other way. The more you do to enhance your environment, making it cheerful and pleasant, the more your emotional health will be positively influenced. While everyone is different, I found after my own wife died, and I was left to raise my two young sons, that I had to carefully arrange the surroundings in my home in order to better cope. I put lots of colourful and happy things in the kitchen, because that was where I had my biggest struggles after her death. I put positive, inspiring posters and items in the bedroom, because that was where I felt most lonely. I had ONE room where I had pictures and artifacts of our life together, and when I wanted to think about her, that is where I would go. When I left that room, I closed the door and focused on all the tasks I had to get on with. Add colour, brighten the place, tidy up a space for yourself, buy a new chair … the ways to make your daily living more pleasant are innumerable and the positive impact on your emotional well-being will be tangible. There is of course no definite point at which the grieving process is complete. Can we ever say, “I have completely healed from the loss of my spouse”? Who knows! But as we redefine ourselves; as we relinquish old roles and establish new ones; as we develop increasing confidence in our social outlets that satisfy personal needs and coincide with our interests; as we become more able to talk about our loss with relative ease; as we become able to be involved in an activity without being plagued by painful memories and images, as we find ourselves more able to reach out to others, and not be afraid to have fun and even to laugh again; you will be reassured that healing is being reaffirmed. But it does take time. As one lady put it: “A year was a big event for me. But once I got through that, I felt like I didn’t have to look back. Now I could look forward to see what I could do with what I had left. So I asked myself “What am I going to do with the rest of my life?” I want to do something significant but I’m not exactly sure what just yet. For the first time in my life I can do whatever I want and I plan to make the most of it.” And why not?